From Goblin Slave To Giga-Daddy: A Goblin's Guide to Getting a Harem-Chapter 10: Cave Man Goblin

"Afternoon. Lady. Food. Cut. Cut cut cut."

Rae began chopping invisible vegetables with karate-hand precision, like a possessed Iron Chef.

"I come. You no here. I come up. You sleep. I come down. He hit me. Madame."

Then, for added drama, he gently massaged his green chin, his eyes welling up with exaggerated tears like a soap opera goblin. If he had onions, he would've rubbed them into his eyes just to sell it harder.

Alice blinked.

Alex blinked.

As Rae fumbled through his award-winning "me caveman, me no smart" routine, Alice's heart did a goddamn backflip.

'So it was him.'

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He really had been in her room. Her worst fear confirmed. But thank the heavens and all the saints in goblin hell—he hadn't said a word about the incident. The breastfeeding, the indecent exposure, the blessed view of the twins—nothing.

She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

Then Rae waddled over like a sad puppy who'd just been kicked by life, and tucked himself behind Alice, peeking at Alex like he was staring down a dragon in plate armor.

Alice seized the moment like a true goblin defender.

"Ah, see that, Alex? See that?"

She snapped, pointing an accusatory finger at her six-foot husband like he was the villain in a courtroom drama.

"And you just hit him for a small matter! How do you feel now? Happy? Huh?"

Alex recoiled like he'd been slapped with a wet sock.

"W-what? N-no, honey," he stammered, hands up in surrender. "It's not a small matter. He came to our room, Alice! He was on the upper floor! I—I—I..."

He was flailing. A seasoned warrior, killer of goblin kings, but right now? Man was getting cooked in domestic court.

And Alice wasn't having it.

Alex rubbed his temple. He knew Alice had a soft spot for the goblin. Probably felt motherly toward him, or maybe she just pitied the poor idiot.

But he couldn't get used to it. This thing was just a little taller than their baby—and still green, still wide-eyed, still very much a goblin.

But... a level zero goblin with zero intelligence.

And Alex knew, because he'd been lowkey spying on the creature for months.

Just in case.

Watched him get scared of a mouse once and nearly cry. Saw him fall off a stool trying to grab a carrot. The dumb bastard once mistook a broom for a weapon and started sparring with it.

Rae wasn't a threat. Rae was a walking sitcom.

"Fine. I acted without knowing the truth. I'm sorry..."

Alex raised his hands in surrender like a schoolboy caught stealing snacks.

"Yeah, you better be. Hmpf!"

Alice whipped her head to the side with enough sass to shatter glass.

Meanwhile... someone was fighting for his life.

Rae stood frozen behind Alice, battling the most unholy of urges. His eyes were locked on two perfect, jiggling spheres of divine temptation—those cheeks—bouncing ever so lightly beneath her paper-thin tunic.

His goblin nose hovered dangerously close.

If she took one step back... just one...

His long green nose would go from "sniff sniff" to "stab stab" in 0.5 seconds.

'Oh, no no no no, Rae, you little gremlin bastard, not now. Keep it together. If you get a boner now, it's game over. Alex will cleave you in two like a Christmas ham.'

He clenched his fists. Took a deep breath.

Big mistake.

That breath was full of soft, flowery perfume and maternal sweetness. Rae's goblin brain short-circuited. His tongue flicked across his lips instinctively.

'Control yourself, you perverted Picasso-nosed freak.'

With Herculean willpower, Rae shuffled backward, eyes squeezed shut like a monk fighting temptation in a brothel.

He finally peeked up at the two humans, still mid-bicker, and decided to steer the conversation somewhere safe. Somewhere wholesome.

Rae tilted his head and asked in his best innocent caveman voice:

"No chop chop?"

His hands did the little karate-chop motion in the air again.

Alice blinked.

Alex just sighed.

Alice turned around, her voice soft as she looked at Rae.

"No, chop chop now. Big madame helped me. So no chop chop. You can go water the plants now. And get some sleep, okay?"

Rae gave a little salute like a green soldier on bedtime duty.

"Okay. Thank. Madame. Thank. Mister. Goodnight!"

He waved with both hands like he was on a parade float, then waddled off with his loincloth flapping behind him, unintentionally mooning a potted plant on his way out.

Alex rubbed his temples.

"You know," Alice murmured, watching the little green guy disappear, "sometimes I wonder... how is he so calm? Goblins are usually so angry and wild. But he's just... peaceful. Like he doesn't even know what anger is."

Alex sighed hard enough to summon a breeze.

"I don't care if he's a goddamn spirit sloth in green paint. Just take care of yourself, okay?"

He trudged up the stairs, muttering something about goblins and therapy under his breath.

Alice stayed behind, eyes drifting to the kitchen. She couldn't help but imagine what exactly the goblin had seen when he entered her room.

The image hit her like a truck.

"Oh no... No no no... Did he see everything? Like... everything??"

Her face went redder than a tomato on a sauna vacation.

"This is embarrassing..."

Her baby suddenly giggled like it just watched a stand-up special.

"Oh hush, you."

She reached up, booped the baby's nose, and smiled at it.

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As promised, the extra Chapter ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)