I Am Tired Of Being A Hero-Chapter 186: Realization

Ravi stood in the middle of the room which smelled like vanilla, taciturn, and silent.

He really was...very tired.

He stood there for close to ten minutes while he looked at the window occasionally.

Before he could make up his mind, The door opened slowly and Arlen walked in. He was wearing blue shorts and a white, loose polo. When his eyes caught Ravi’s, he smiled so widely and walked faster towards him.

"Ravi, love, how are you feeling?" Those blue eyes were fixed on Ravi, worried, concerned, and filled with so much love that it made Ravi shiver from head to toe.

His presence was like the warm sun visiting with a gentle breeze that seemed to blow on Ravi’s heart.

***

A memory soon appeared in his mind. It was of a man, his back wasn’t wide but it was exceptionally tall and upright, half-kneeling in front of him as he motioned for him to climb on.

"No need." His left leg had been hacked clean by the demon and Ravi had hastily stopped the bleeding with a balm he got from the system store but he was determined to walk all the way to the retrieval portal.

He walked past Hunter, and with each step he took, the pain like a knife shot through his body. The road looked like it had no end. He knew that someone’s eyes were following his back, so he did his utmost to keep it straight but the more rigid it was, the more the pain had nowhere to hide. The waves whirled his clothes about, blurring his eyes as they blew past.

When did this happen? Yes, it had been 476 years. He was a rookie and Hunter was his immediate superior.

Hunter had just sighed, "Yes. Your actions had led to their deaths, you were hasty, you were impatient and you did not think things true."

Ravi gritted his teeth.

"But you don’t need to punish yourself for your mistake, West."

Ravi had stopped, "Then...what should I do?"

Hunter had sighed then, a low tired sigh, "Go home. Take a bath. Eat some good food. Drink some good wine and then, think of the good things you have done. Use them as a crutch to fight the negative emotions from today’s mission and continue moving forward. Don’t think too much, don’t struggle with frustration or confusion. There are a lot of mistakes you would make in the future so just continue moving forward. Besides, it is not our fucking fault that those pretentious bastards don’t want to do the work themselves. I have faith in you, West. Don’t let today defeat you and don’t define you."

***

Faith.

He had not thought about Hunter since Luxor.

Yes. He had imposed punishment on himself after Luxor. He did it again. No, he always did it.

Ravi suddenly felt foolish. The memories of last night surged in his mind like a wave, the long, long night and the constant presence of Arlen next to his side. He looked at him, his eyes, were a little red and there was a dark shadow bordering it.

He had not slept a wink last night.

This person that he liked so much had just asked one favor from him. He had asked just one thing from him.

To fight for him and yet Ravi had gone back to the familiar throbs of wallowing in self-pity without any hesitance. It was all so familiar to him for him to shred his life, pick out the bad parts, and like he was in the orphanage, where the sister called them out every Friday to confess their sins, and mercilessly condemn himself.

Like a sitting duck, just waiting till all the emotions consumed him.

When did he become so damn weak? That he would allow his lover to bear the consequences of his own action.

When did he become such a passive and weak person, so cautious that he became so afraid of his own self? An ordinary person had placed a curse on him and he had not even noticed.

Damn it!

Pushing himself down, looking down on himself. He, whose back was once ramrod steel that he had killed an incarnation could no longer stand straight. Disillusioned, angry, hurt, Slowly, an inferiority complex soon filled him and he believed it.

This would not do. This can not be done.

The him like this can not give Arlen any ample sense of security, he would continue to feel like the discrepancy between them is too great and the more he cared about it, the more he weighed the gains and losses for it. And the more he would act like every single second of intimacy was stolen time.

He would not be able to give himself fully, he would be unable to let Arlen see the full and true him.

This would be him, purposely making himself unworthy of the person who loved him so.

Ravi felt a hot surge of anger rush to his veins. He was Ravi fucking West for Heaven’s sake.

He looked into the blue eyes that were growing so worried, he wanted to fight for Arlen, fight to be better for him, fight to walk to the end for him, fight for this peace and warmth he had received.

Someone like Arlen was like the splendor of a rushing golden sun, one might only dare to watch and wait from a distance. And to imagine that one day, the bright sun would fall into his arms. To meet him was a lifetime of blessing.

To him who was born with a snake’s fate, it was as if heaven had given him a gift. If he did not cherish it, wouldn’t it be so terrible of him?

For this person who had completely accepted him, cherishing him entirely without restriction, he could not continue being like this. Letting himself be played with the demons of his past.

Wasn’t it just demons? He has killed billions of them. What are a few more?

There was a sound in Ravi’s head, almost like something had snapped.