Reborn To Be The Imperial Consort [BL]-Chapter 47: Shrivelled Forget-me-not — IV

Warning: Panic attack. Suicidal ideation. Survivor’s Guilt(?)

Proceed with caution!

...

The moment Li Xinyuan made his way out of the dining hall, slamming the doors shut behind himself as he walked away, the surgeon immediately made his way towards his room.

He needed to get ready as soon as he could. Hu Lijing might not have gotten so far yet. He needed to catch up to the amber-haired man before he could do something under the influence of the guilt that consumed him everyday.

Li Xinyuan cursed himself as he bathed in lukewarm water and swiftly finished cleaning himself thoroughly before throwing on the robes which wouldn’t obstruct his combat effectiveness.

Pulling all of his long hair in a tight bun with just a few loose fringes hanging down his face and framing his handsome visage, Li Xinyuan took one last look at the mirror in his room and nodded to himself, drawing in a deep breath.

"I can do this." He told himself, firm steps carrying him towards the halberd that was hanging on the wall, waiting to be used. "I can do this." He repeated as he took Sui Yue off the wall and tossed it in his hands, testing the grip of the shaft.

"Your first blood might not be a human’s Sui Yue," Li Xinyuan murmured to the halberd as he all but stormed out of his room, carrying the tall, but well-balanced polearm with himself.

Held firmly in his dominant hand, Sui Yue trembled, as if excited at the prospect of its bloody baptism.

Li Xinyuan smiled to himself as he used Qinggong to race towards the only place he could think of when the topic of Hu Lijing’s home came up.

The secluded waterfall in the far north of these mountain ranges, surrounded by thick but tranquil forest, the restless river had been the place where his mother recounted about stumbling upon Hu Lijing.

It was also the only place the amber-haired male would take him to visit whenever he felt nostalgic or missed his true home.

One of the many entrance and exit tethering that fantastical place to the human realm. One of the many links between a world completely different, mostly segregated, from any world that Li Xinyuan knew of, both as a genius doctor and as the cannon fodder Imperial Consort of the protagonist.

It was the only place Li Xinyuan both dreaded and wanted to visit at least once. But not like this.

Never like this.

Li Xinyuan shook his head, swift wind whipping his fringes towards his face as he all but tore through the space, swift but firm feet leaping from one tree to another.

The scenery around the surgeon continued to change as he ran forward, Sui Yue hoisted on one shoulder and torso inclined forward to lessen the air’s opposing force.

His midnight grey and black swordsman robes billowed as he jumped on one branch, the wood dipping under his feet before he took off, jumping to another, as the leaves shook and fluttered on the forest bed under him.

Li Xinyuan had no time to waste, not so much enough to even think about the bad case scenarios as he slashed through the wind, allowing the force of his attack to propel himself forward at greater speed.

I can do this.

He told himself, though he wasn’t sure if he believed himself completely.

But he wasn’t going to give up, not when Hu Lijing might need him.

What if in his absence that idiot old fogey did something stupid like self-harm?

Li Xinyuan swallowed thickly, parched throat stinging as he blinked as fast as he could, not stopping even for a split second.

He was all too familiar with it.

He knew the bitter taste of guilt all too well, he still did. Nearly everyday.

And that was precisely why he wasn’t not going to let his friend spiral down the same abyss, thinking that he didn’t have anyone to help him through it.

If he harboured such thoughts, then despite his age and seniority, Hu Lijing was fucking dumb.

...

Hu Lijing was more often than not gruelling in the eternal misery stemming from his past. To him, his past was a graveyard of agony he didn’t want to visit as often as he did in memories, but couldn’t not visit because that graveyard held the broken, shattered, fragments of what he was made of.

What made him.

The amber-haired man sighed deeply, sitting by a river stream deep within a thicket, isolated from the world he knew. The world he now understood.

The world he was never a part of.

Another sigh left his lips before he could do anything as he hugged his knees to his chest, chin propped between the junction as he started trembling at the onslaught of memories.

He buried his face between his knees, hoping to no longer see the mirage of his destroyed world, ruined life and dead people whom he’d failed.

He could hope, could he not? Hope that if he hid away from the ghost of his past, the looming phantom of despair, it would spare him, it would chase him no more. ƒreewebηoveℓ.com

He was wrong.

The phantom would not spare him if he tried to hide, it wouldn’t overlook him if he pretended to not see. Instead it would continuously tighten around his neck like a noose tied around a man who is to be hanged.

Except this noose was not a mere rope, but a fiery viper covered in thorns meant to dig in his skin as it slithered around him, tighter and tighter but never quite ending his life.

At this point, he could hardly breath sometimes without being reminded that his breath was borrowed—stolen, in actuality.

Each breath he drew, each breath he released, it was merely stolen from the hands of an innocent junior who’d wanted nothing more than a morsel of his attention, his affection.

The very same person who’d left the realm of living with a last ditch effort of saving Hu Lijing.

He had succeeded.

Oh, how sordidly had he succeeded!

Hu Lijing’s heart twisted, chest feeling tight and lungs too small to respire properly as he breath—or at least tried to.

His body trembled, filled with unimaginable amount of power, the amber-haired man’s body trembled like a single leaf hanging on a twig for its dear life.

His breath came in short pants, gasps sputtering past his lips as tears blurred his eyes. The world spun, an incomplete mess of chaos and bleary image as he crashed to the ground, hugging himself desperately as he sobbed and trembled miserably, pitifully.

His breath hitched, sharp intake stinging in his chest as he struggled to breath, mindless panic set in, blurring his perception of time and his surroundings.

Amber hair scattered against the green forest floor, grime and dirt marred his person as the male continued to tremble, not registering anything but tears, agony and panic in his mind.

It hurts. His mind said. It hurts so much.

You deserve it. It is a well deserved hurt! It is a well deserved agony! He replied in derision.

He hugged himself tighter. Despite his fiery nature, his fiery origin, Hu Lijing felt nothing but biting cold in his body.

He trembled, cheeks wet with tears and shallow breath filling his lungs. His lips quivered, teeth chattering together as he curled up to himself.

Above him, in the beautiful expanse of boundless blue sky, the sun hung free. Its infinite light caressing the pained husk of his soul. It was perhaps trying to give him some warmth.

Hu Lijing deserved none of it. The one who deserved every speck of light, ever breath of air, every gentle caress of moon—

—Was not him.

He was a thief, a mindless monster who’d stolen everything from him. Why did he try to save Hu Lijing so desperately?!

He was not worthy at all!

A loud, wounded sob left him, his vexed wails turning to cries of agony as his very soul keened, seeking the person who was made just for him.

Hu Lijing had been his beginning and despite every promise, every vow of eternity, Hu Lijing had been his end.

Shining ambers hid behind fluttering eyelids, tears escaping his eyes as the saline water of his pain left a wet trail down his cheek, flowing down his neck, and disappeared somewhere he didn’t know.

Pain. Pain. Pain.

Misery. Why does it hurt so much?! Why does it hurt so much?!

Why didn’t Hu Lijing die instead of him?

Why? why? Why?! Why?! WHY?!